


Spirit

by Burgie



Category: Star Stable Online
Genre: F/F, TW self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 16:18:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10880442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burgie/pseuds/Burgie
Summary: A new guest arrives to Jorvik, and Lisa finally tells Louisa why she's been so distant.





	Spirit

“Open the door, open the door,” said Lisa after knocking on the wooden door.

“I’m coming,” said Louisa from inside. She opened the door and had to laugh at her drenched girlfriend.

“Yeah, well, yours is frizzy, so we both look ridiculous,” said Lisa. Louisa smiled and touched her own frizzy mess of hair.

“Come on,” said Louisa, standing aside so her girlfriend could walk in. “You’re letting the rain and cold air in.”

“God, this is much better,” said Lisa after closing the door behind her. She shivered, already pulling her sodden leather jacket off.

“You can put those in the dryer if you want and borrow some of my clothes,” said Louisa.

“Thanks, I’ll just defrost in front of the fire first,” said Lisa, immediately heading towards it. She stretched her hands out in front of her, sighing in relief at the warmth. “Could you take some of your clothes to the bathroom for me, please? I’d like to shower. Might warm me up a bit. And I know my hair smells like wet dog.”

“Well, you said it,” said Louisa with a smile. She wondered why Lisa wasn’t suggesting she warm up in another way, but… maybe she just wasn’t in the mood. Which was the norm lately, it seemed. Lisa never seemed to want to…

“Thanks,” said Lisa, pulling Louisa out of her thoughts.

“Ok, I’ll just… go do that,” said Louisa. She chewed on her bottom lip as she got clean, dry clothes out of her wardrobe for Lisa. She considered the black trousers and black and red striped top, but it was too cold for that. At last, Louisa grabbed her favourite red jacket with the green horse shirt and another pair of black jeans. Lisa would look good in that. Any moment now, she expected Lisa’s arms to wrap around her. But they didn’t. She sighed shakily, made sure that she hadn’t actually shed any tears, and took the clothes into the bathroom.

While Lisa showered, Louisa found her laptop and lapdesk and got comfortable in her bed. She powered up her laptop, opened her web browser, and was soon on Jorflix. There was a new show, and…

“No thanks, not in the mood for that depressive shit,” Louisa muttered in response to Jorflix’s ‘new shows’ section. She clicked the arrow to scroll past all the new shows, considering many but looking for only one. At last, she found it.

She was halfway through the second episode (it was a little cheesy, but not as bad as others were saying) when Lisa walked into her bedroom.

“More cartoons?” asked Lisa.

“Yeah,” said Louisa. “Jorflix. Wanna Jorflix and chill?” She hadn’t even thought about saying it, the words just came out.

“No,” said Lisa. “Not with a kid’s cartoon, babe.”

“Something else, then?” asked Louisa. She wasn’t looking at her girlfriend, knowing that she’d cry if she did. She hated confrontation.

“No,” said Lisa, and sighed. She sat down on the edge of the bed, then got under the covers and wrapped an arm around her girlfriend. She rested her head on Louisa’s shoulder, and Louisa impulsively sniffed her hair. It smelled fruity.

“You smell better now,” said Louisa. Lisa took a deep breath before speaking.

“Are you mad at me because I don’t want sex anymore?” asked Lisa. Louisa paused her show, biting back a laugh at the amusing frame that she’d paused it on.

“No,” said Louisa. “Not mad. Sad. What happened to us?”

“I think it’s just… we were apart for so long. And I know, it’s my fault,” said Lisa. “But I just… I dunno, I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of it right now.”

“Are you… nervous?” asked Louisa.

“I think so, yeah,” said Lisa, and laughed. “It’s stupid, isn’t it?”

“No,” said Louisa, relieved that it wasn’t anything she’d done. “So it’s just performance anxiety?”

“Yeah,” said Lisa, a little too fast. Louisa didn’t question it.

“Aww, you don’t have to worry about it,” said Louisa. “It’s been a year, of course it’s gonna be a little awkward until we learn each other again.”

“Okay, I’ll… I’ll think about it,” said Lisa, giving her girlfriend a smile and a kiss.

“So do you wanna watch this with me?” asked Louisa. “It’s a show that’s kind of a sequel to an old animated horse movie.”

“Hmm.” Lisa looked at the screen. “I watched that movie so many times as a kid. Mostly because it was a rare horse movie that didn’t hit too close to home.”

“A lot of people are saying that it ruins the original,” said Louisa.

“People are stupid,” said Lisa. “If you’re watching it, I’ll watch it.”

“Okay,” said Louisa, and resumed the show. She felt comfortable with Lisa snuggled up beside her.

A week or so later, Louisa was out riding when she saw a very familiar horse trotting around.

“Was that Spirit?” asked Louisa, turning to Lisa who was riding with her.

“Ordinarily I’d say no, but this is Jorvik and I’ve learned that in Jorvik, everything is possible,” said Lisa. “So yeah, probably.”

“That’s pretty cool,” said Louisa. Her phone buzzed, and she checked it. “Huh. Some girl in Fort Pinta just texted me. Apparently there’s a store set up for merch from that show we recently watched.”

“Then let’s go,” said Lisa. “Want to race there?”

“Well, I did name this horse after a fictional Greyhound,” said Louisa. “Let’s go, Coco.”

As was usual when she raced her girlfriend, Louisa rode in on Coco a few minutes after Lisa had already arrived in Fort Pinta. Her girlfriend was chatting to one of the girls, but Louisa approached the girl who was waving her over.

“Hi!” said the girl. “Have you heard of Spirit?”

“Yeah,” said Louisa. “I’ve seen the movie, and I watched the show about a week ago.”

“Oh, I idolise him,” said the girl. “So wild, so free, and nobody can ride him. Except for one special person, of course.”

“Yeah, he sure did look majestic when I saw him,” said Louisa.

“Oh, you saw him?” asked the girl with a gasp. “That’s amazing! I’ve heard rumours but is he really here?”

“Yep, he sure is,” said Louisa.

“Oh, wow!” said the girl, her eyes shining. “You have to tell me everything.”

“Okay,” said Louisa.

“He’ll probably ask you to do things for him,” said the girl. “If you can just tell me all about your adventures with him, I’ll let you buy things at the shop over there.” Louisa looked at where she was pointing, and saw Lisa giving the other girl some money.

“Will do,” said Louisa.

“Oh, thank you!” said the girl. “Here, I’ve got something for you.” She rummaged in a bag, and pulled out a familiar pink dress. “This is a replica of Lucky’s dress that her aunt gives her.”

“Cool,” said Louisa, taking it. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome!” the girl chirped. “Anytime.”

“Hey, Lisa,” said Louisa, getting her girlfriend’s attention. “Wanna go look for Spirit? If we do things for him, we can buy more things from this shop.”

“That sounds like an excellent idea,” said Lisa. Louisa grinned and rode off with her girlfriend.

Between the two of them (and with some help from the other riders on Jorvik), Lisa and Louisa managed to find Spirit and help him with whatever tasks he had. It was mostly helping small animals or showing him something, which Louisa thought was adorable. And, when Spirit wanted them to show him Guardians Dale, Louisa grinned in delight.

“Do you think that Spirit is a Soul Steed?” asked Louisa.

“I doubt it,” said Lisa. “Starshine used to be a wild horse but Spirit’s thing is that he can only be ridden by one person. Which is kinda like a Soul Steed. Huh. So I dunno, he might be.”

“But then where’s his rider?” asked Louisa, watching as Spirit trotted around looking at the huge horse statues.

“Who knows,” said Lisa. “We have our Soul Steeds, and the Generals have all their Dark Horses.”

“What about Jessica?” asked Louisa.

“Does Spirit really look like a suitable candidate for a Dark Horse?” asked Lisa.

“Fair point,” said Louisa.

“Anyway, maybe he doesn’t have a rider,” said Lisa. “But I’m sure that he would let a Soul Rider ride him.”

“If he trusted them enough,” said Louisa.

When Louisa woke up one morning to find a candy wrapper note on Lisa’s pillow, she grinned and put her glasses on to read it.

 _“Check your pasture, then meet me between Dews Farm and Mirror Marshes where the rune stone is,”_ Lisa’s note read. Louisa hummed thoughtfully as she picked out good date clothes (Lisa’s old hoodie of course, the flame-painted boots she’d bought from the Spirit shop as well as Pru’s jeans, and her favourite red-patterned black gloves with the nice cap from archaeology). Had Lisa bought her another horse? But normally they were put in the stable.

When Louisa walked out to her immense pasture, she quickly discovered what Lisa’s note had meant. Standing alone, grazing in the middle of the paddock, was Spirit. He flicked his tail and pricked his ears up, then slowly raised his head to look at her.

“Hey, boy,” said Louisa, reaching a hand out to pet him. Spirit accepted the petting, then started sniffing around her pockets. Louisa giggled, giving him a carrot that she’d picked up on her way out of the house. Spirit munched on it happily.

Lisa grinned when she saw Louisa riding towards her on Spirit.

“Do you like your surprise?” asked Lisa.

“You’re like a sugar daddy, only you’re buying me horses instead of cars,” said Louisa. She dismounted, letting Spirit graze or do whatever he wished. “How’d you get him?”

“I bought a Miradero apple,” said Lisa. “If you buy him one, he’ll stay in your stable. But he refuses to be tacked up or to have his mane and tail clipped or styled.”

“I thought as much,” said Louisa, sitting down on the picnic blanket that Lisa had spread out. “Did you buy it to make up for upsetting me?”

“Possibly,” said Lisa, tracing shapes on the blanket with her finger. She took a deep breath. “And… I figured I owed you an explanation. A real one.”

“If you’re ready,” said Louisa. Lisa nodded, then remained silent for a little while. When she spoke, it was sudden and straight to the point.

“I cut myself.” Louisa’s heart lurched, but she didn’t move away. Instead, she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. “I told you it got really dark, but… I felt guilty, and I had nightmares, and I blamed myself for abandoning Anne, and for dragging you into the spotlight, and I thought about killing myself, but then I thought about you and dad and Starshine and I just…” Lisa shuddered, clinging tightly to her girlfriend. Louisa rubbed Lisa’s back, feeling tears wetting her own cheeks.

“Do you still feel like that?” asked Louisa, her voice husky. She swallowed.

“No,” said Lisa. “It’s hard to feel like that when I’ve got Starshine constantly in my head. He wasn’t there before, but… as soon as he found out, he insisted on staying in dad’s backyard. And then there’s my music, which is helping more than anything else.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” asked Louisa.

“You just be the wonderful, beautiful girl you always have been,” said Lisa, cupping Louisa’s face with her hand. She kissed her, and Louisa felt her heart flutter.

“Is that why, um… you’ve been distant?” asked Louisa.

“Kind of,” said Lisa. “I didn’t want you to see them and be awkward, but Starshine convinced me to tell you.” Louisa smiled faintly, but all she could see was Lisa punishing herself for something that wasn’t even her fault and then considering cutting deeper. She wrapped her arms around Lisa tightly, eyes stinging with tears, and tried to swallow the lump in her throat.

“I almost lost you,” Louisa whispered, her voice breaking on the last word, and then the tears came. Lisa wrapped her arms around Louisa, though not as tightly, and held her.

“I’m sorry,” said Lisa, her own voice husky. “I won’t ever leave you again. I promise. And I’m getting help, and…” She wasn’t even sure if Louisa was listening.

“You’d better,” said Louisa, finally managing to stop the tears. “Does your dad know?”

“I couldn’t clean the blood up,” said Lisa. “I was trying to, and then dad walked in and saw. He-“ She choked and her face crumpled at the memory. “I’ll never forget his face. He was so worried, and he took me straight to the hospital. They cleaned the wounds and stitched them. Then they booked me in to see a therapist. She suggested that I find a more creative outlet. So I started writing and playing again, when the cuts had healed enough for me to play.”

“Thanks for telling me,” said Louisa. “I don’t know what to say, but… I’m glad that you felt comfortable enough to tell me.”

“I love you,” said Lisa. “I felt like you should know what really happened. And you were feeling upset, so…”

“Did that make you feel worse?” asked Louisa. Was that even the right thing to say?

“It made me feel guilty, yeah,” said Lisa. “But I’m not going to hurt myself over guilt. So I decided to tell you. But please don’t tell Linda or Alex or any of the druids. We already have one mentally-unstable member of the group. And we’ll have another when Anne gets back.”

“Are you sure about that?” asked Louisa.

“I am one hundred percent certain,” said Lisa. “You’ve seen Fripp, right? Anne is just as sensitive to Pandoric energy. Don’t tell Alex that either.”

“I won’t,” said Louisa. “I promise.”

“Good,” said Lisa. She rummaged in her jacket pocket and got out some tissues. “And sorry to worry you, I just had to tell you.”

“I understand,” said Louisa. “I mean, I understand everything now. Your distance, your being away for so long, your lack of… well, you know.”

“Exactly,” said Lisa. “I couldn’t be around constant reminders of my failure. Even if that meant avoiding you.” Louisa smiled faintly, then took a few tissues from Lisa to blow her nose and wipe her eyes and face.

“I’ll try not to bring it up,” said Louisa. “It might take me a while to get used to, though. Just having that knowledge.”

“Take your time,” said Lisa. “I’m not going anywhere. And if you want, I’ll get my therapist to talk to you about how to help me. She’s already talked to dad.”

“That’d be great,” said Louisa.

“Okay,” said Lisa. “But for now… how’s Spirit?”

“Topic change much?” said Louisa. “He’s wonderful. I want to ride in among the wild herd with him.”

“You can,” said Lisa. “We’ll go later if you want.”

“Did you run with the wild horses when you went over to collect the algae for the potion?” asked Louisa. Thinking about what Lisa had just told her was too heavy, so she didn’t think about it.

“Of course I did,” said Lisa. “For about five minutes. Then Starshine reminded me to be responsible.” Starshine snorted and flicked his tail.

“Let’s avoid our responsibilities together,” said Louisa. Spirit neighed and looked towards South Hoof, clearly eager to get going.


End file.
